MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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