great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
