yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
