So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
