We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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