Swine flu. Run for my life!
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
