At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
