I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you win again, gameday.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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