wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
