Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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