Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
