Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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