I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
