My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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