i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
