i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
