my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
