Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
