Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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