When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
