Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
