I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
