ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
