Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
