sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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