Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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