i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
