No awkward lesbian experiences without me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't turn off my feet"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
