There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
