Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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