OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
