I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
