You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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