U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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