i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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