I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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