I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
