i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
