cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
