Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
