I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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