I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
