I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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