yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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