I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
