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So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
