everyone is single if you try hard enough
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
