Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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