You were right. It hurts to walk today.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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