If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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