I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
