I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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